S@#*& My Mom Says!

There are times when my mom and I could be talking or watching TV and she'll say something extremely funny. And most of those times I do have access to Twitter to post them to my friends because it's just hysterical. Well after getting my Twitter archive the other day I couldn't believe how many things that fell out of my mother's mouth that I recorded onto social media. So I decided to put some of her best gems into a tidy little post. Enjoy!

TV Commercial: "...Coffee just the way you like it"
Mom: "Well, I fucking hope so!"

About a James Patterson book commercial: "The man turns out as many books as people change their socks!"

Seeing a guy dressed as Beetlejuice during a football game: "Oh look, that guy is wearing Robin Thicke's suit!"

After seeing a commercial for "Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs 2":  "Do I have to see "1" to appreciate "2"?"

"One man's seltzer is another man's champagne."

"I didn't realize it was 20 to 10...not the time, the score. It's actually 11:33!"

After hearing that Travis D'Arnaud was coming to the Mets: "He better be the best thing to sit on a plate since veal parmigiana!"

"I like baseball, but compared to basketball, it's like trying to run through Jell-O."

Watching the Knicks game: "Oh come on, how can that be a fragrant foul?"

"Given the right amount of money, I would do a reality show with a walrus."

While watching hockey: "Can you imagine if one of these guys is named Cake? Icing on Cake?!"

About Anne Hathaway's dress: "It looks like an apron or something!"

Looking for the Oscars red carpet: "Is there a pre-game thing or something?"

"We all need an obsession. Even Calvin Klein."

While listening to The Hustle: "I was never able to do The Hustle when I was younger, I was too dyslexic."

Mom (after announcer said name of one of the Penguins' players): "Letang...is that what French astronauts drink?"

On Bill Belichik: "He has all the class of an ingrown toe nail."

"I just had an idea for a new sport: boxing on ice! It gives it a whole new dynamic!"

On the Giants' playoff chances: "It ain't over 'till the fat lady sings, and I've got duct tape over my mouth!"

On Mark Sanchez: "He has the confidence of a flea!"

"Roger Daltrey: keep your shirt CLOSED! This is NOT 1968!"

"If you were to ask Keith Richards what year it is, he wouldn't have a clue!"

On the lyrics to "Comfortably Numb", which she had just heard for the first time: "Oh how romantic..."

"The Jets winning yesterday was a miracle of Chanukah!"

"Mayor Bloomberg speaks the worst Spanish. It sounds like Hebrew."

"I can attribute at least half the root canals in my mouth to Tootsie Rolls!"

While watching a Giants game: "You're like eight feet tall, you couldn't get that? You big dope!"

Mom: "I think that's why I didn't like the Jets when I was a kid, because I didn't like the color green. I still don't like the color green. Unless there's pictures of dead presidents on it." 

Me: "Oh my god, there was a 3.4 earthquake in Dallas."
Mom: "Did Tony Romo complete a pass in practice?"

On the NFL replacement refs: "Are you sure that these guys didn't come from Foot Locker?"

"Eli just asked Carolina's DE if they're paying for the clinic!"

"You can't take a football player seriously if they're wearing turquoise cleats."

Mom: Did you put my clothes in the freezer...I mean, dryer?
Me: I'll let you know when I stop laughing!

Mom: Who plays tomorrow night?
Me: The Ravens and the Bengals.
Mom: Well, that's gonna be the only time a cat won't take out a bird!

"You see, Tom Lady, I mean Brady..."

On the men's Olympic Water Polo team getting out of water: "They have 'USA' written across their asses. God, I love this country."

"If I had a dollar for every time I heard 'the Mets are down to their final strike,' I would be a rich woman."

"Ewww, now I have to root for Cole Hamels. I'm gonna puke."

Watching one of LeBron's Samsung commercial: "What did the Heat do, send him to charm school?"

After LeBron fell during a game and announcer says he might have a leg cramp: "Yeah, he has a cramp...in his brain."

"Soccer is the gluten-free diet of sports."

"If your Twitter account is hacked, does that mean it's been twacked? I mean, really..."

Me (watching the Rangers game): "That guy's name is Horton? Does he hear a Who?"

Mom: "No, but I'd like to have him hear a Boo!"